Summary: Feminists are not the only ones pushing for reforms to men’s role in marriage. Powerful voices support feminists’ calls for radical change. Such as their Christian Conservatives allies, who are amazing and pitiful.
What is driving the gender revolution? Some say that men have become weaker. That’s a logical result of the multi-generational the War Against Boys
But there is another aspect to this. Powerful groups in our society have worked long and hard to change the role of men. Such as feminists – and some conservatives.
A conservative Christian wants women on top in marriage
For one answer we can turn those schools of conservatives that have embraced this women-on-top philosophy. Dalrock has thoroughly documented this (see the links below). As a stunning example, he points to an important book, essential reading for every conservative man: Every Man’s Marriage: An Every Man’s Guide to Winning the Heart of a Woman
“{He} is the founder and chairman of New Life Ministries and host of the #1 nationally syndicated Christian counseling talk show “New Life Live!” heard and watched by over 2 million people each week …Steve is the founder of the Women of Faith conferences attended by over 5 million people. He also serves as a teaching pastor in Indianapolis …
“Steve is a nationally and internationally known public speaker and has been featured in national media …With over 8 million books in print {written 60+ books} he has been writing about God’s transformational truth since 1984. …He has been nominated for numerous writing awards and has won four Gold Medallion Awards for writing excellence.”
We can learn much from these books. Arterburn describes his marriage (H/t Dalrock)..
“I rushed the relationship because I was acting out of fear that I would go through life unmarried, unloved, and an outcast in the Christian community. …Sandy was a “catch” – bright, attractive, talented, and gracious – and I didn’t want to mess up this courtship. I would hide who I really was. …
“When Sandy and I were dating, I attempted to hold her hand one night. She jerked back and said that the thought of holding my hand kind of made her sick. She said it in the nicest way possible, but for whatever reason, I simply wasn’t appealing to her. My temptation was to lick my wounds and walk away. Instead, I told her that I wasn’t in this relationship to hold hands or do anything else but be with her. Well, that obviously had an impact on her because we eventually did hold hands. Furthermore, we eventually got married. …
“When we finally married, I was shocked to find that sex was a painful experience for her. She wanted no part of it. …”
The book describes how both men learned to submit to their wives, which they considered God’s way. Dalrock explains: “This is a modern Christian staple and is an expression of theological crossdressing.” Dalrock quotes Stoeker describing how he grovels before his wife in “Her soul essence is your master, and sets the terms for oneness” and “That the word of God be not blasphemed” (the title is the darkest irony). Here is a sample.
“Oneness has terms. Comply with the terms and emotional closeness follows. If you don’t comply, the emotions will die. We need to act right, or more precisely, act righteously. If we do, the feelings will follow. …Who sets the terms for oneness in marriage? Your wife. More accurately, your wife’s essence. …
“But Fred, my wife is not my master! True, but becoming-one-with-her-essence is your master. That’s your highest call, and that call owns you, my friend. As leader of your home, you must submit your rights in whatever way necessary to attain oneness, not because she has authority over you…
“What I’m trying to say is that the ‘master’ defines your rights (and remember again that though we refer to your wife as your ‘master,’ it’s our shorthand for the fact that becoming one with her essence is actually your God-given master). Why? Because you’re called to oneness and her essence sets the terms.”
Arterburn and Stoeker give valuable guidance to men. They advocate the “hair of the dog that bit me” path of life in the feminist era. This means doubling down on the behaviors at the heart of today’s system of party-of-her-life, marriage, children, and divorce – followed by independence plus child support (details here). They tell men what not to do.
How did this advice work out for Arterburn?
We learn the answer in his 2005 book, Every Single Man’s Battle: Staying on the Path of Sexual Purity
“There we were on the most beautiful beach I had ever seen, near the Great Barrier Reef of Australia. I was enjoying one of the several trips I had arranged to celebrate our twentieth anniversary together, trying to mend what had been so very broken for twenty difficult years. I had thought we were making progress, and as I walked that beach with my wife, I presumed she felt as close to me as I did her. Alas, that simply was not the case. The betrayal had already occurred, and she was making plans for divorce. …
“Not long after our trip to Australia I began to suspect that something was severely wrong. Of course, something had always seemed wrong in our marriage – since our wedding day, we both felt we had made a big mistake. Then one day …a mutual friend told me of her betrayal. …I confronted her with the truth, hoping for sorrow and a chance to work it through together, but my hopes were quickly dashed. She filed for divorce the following Monday. …Many readers of Every Man’s Battle will be stunned to discover that my marriage ended in 2002 …I had not initiated the divorce proceedings ….”
Many readers were not surprised to see that he was dumped. Also, 2002! That is one year after the publication of Winning the Heart of a Woman. Arterburn should have given refunds to those who bought his books, let along compensation for his malpractice-levels awful advice. Also, this was his second marriage (he married #3, Misty, in 2003).
Another conservative’s advice
Old conservatives love to advise young men about marriage and masculinity, as in this by Tucker Carlson (commentator for Fox News, co-founder and former editor-in-chief of The Daily Caller) on “Fox & Friends.”
“If you’re a man, stop whining and reclaim your birthright which is masculinity, and masculinity and male power derive from responsibility. You don’t embrace responsibility, you have no power. {without embracing the responsibility of a family} you’re not a man, you’re a child.”
The discussion is worth watching. Especially note the contempt Alisyn Camerota shows for men who refuse to play their traditional role – while women refuse to do so. (H/t Dalrock.)
This is a widespread belief among conservatives. As in this by Douglas Wilson, another author of many books popular among Christian conservatives…
“{T}he definition of masculinity that I believe we must return to is this: masculinity is the glad assumption of the sacrificial responsibilities that God assigned to men.”
Why does anyone listen to these people? Responsibility without respect or reward is a fool’s prize. Men are realizing that, as the numbers show.
- Why men are avoiding work and marriage.
- Will young men break America’s family structure?
- Will today’s young men marry? America’s future depends which of these answers is right.
A feminist perspective on Civilization
This commercial for Summer’s Eve “Feminine Hygiene Products” nicely captures the feminist zeitgeist — and the belief of many Christian conservatives – that women make the largest contribution to civilization (h/t Dalrock). It’s the usual self-aware post-mo we’re joking but really mean it. Also see Dalrock’s articles about “Vagina worship” (as in this advertisement, seeing it as the core of civilization) and expressions of this belief in more sophisticated works by conservatives (e.g., by George Gilder).
Tomorrow: a discussion about solutions
The most important lesson commenters have taught me: do not just analyze, suggest solutions. Tune in tomorrow.
Dalrock’s amazing posts about Christian conservatives
Dalrock has fascinating analysis and commentary about marriage and feminism at his website. Much of this is almost beyond belief, but thoroughly documented.
- About Holy divorce: The Wake-up Call.
- Real Men Step Up to Fifty Shades of Rationalization — A Christian conservative says it is men’s fault that women like 50 Shades of Grey. Be more beta and they won’t like it!
- She who must be obeyed.
- Women in the military, more divorce, more single mothers – all result from men’s failures. They just need to “man up” (which means submission). Part One. Part Two.
- Hair shirts and chest thumping – the alt-Right calls this the “Marry THOT” solution. Christian conservatives add “submit, husband” to the formula.
- Coercion is only to be used by wives: Submission with a twist.
- Left and Right agree on the miraculous power of women to civilize men.
- Does it matter who heads a family, a man or woman?
- Hierarchy equals abuse.
For More Information
The cold equations: “‘These boots are made for walking’: why most divorce filers are women” by Margaret F. Brinig and Douglas W. Allen in American Law and Economics Review, January 2000. Gated. Open copy here. H/t Dalrock.
Ideas! For shopping ideas see my recommended books and films at Amazon.
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- Women have won the gender revolution.
- The Economist proclaims that men are “The Weaker Sex”.
- Women are moving on top of men in America.
- Women on Top, chapter 10: the growing gender gap in education.
- Victims no more: the revolution puts women on top of men.
- For Father’s Day: revolutionary words that will forever change the American family.
- Classic films show what marriage was. Facts show its death.
- Child support payments create the new American family.
- Modern women say “follow the rules while we break them.”
Essential reading to understand how we got here
The Privileged Sex
Summary by the publisher…
“Ever since Betty Friedan published The Feminine Mystique
“This volume, one of the very few in any language, takes on these questions head on. Roaming far and wide, it examines many aspects of the problem as it has presented itself from the time of ancient Egypt right down to today’s most advanced Western societies. To anyone accustomed to the tsunami of feminist claims and complaints, the answers will come as a surprise.”