Women’s self-esteem: boosted to their self-destruction

Summary: Low self-esteem is the defining weakness of modern American women, as a experts say. Here are different perspectives, ones you will not see in the news – by a traditional Christian, a sexist, artists, and psychologists.

Woman as Queen - dreamstime_113503372
ID 113503372 © Prazis | Dreamstime.

 

“I am beautiful
No matter what they say
Words can’t bring me down
I am beautiful
In every single way …

“Yes, words can’t bring me down… Oh no.
So don’t you bring me down today.”

Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful.

 

 

The cult of women’s self esteem

By Dalrock, 13 February 2016.
Reposed with his generous permission.

We live in an age obsessed with women’s self esteem. Feminists assure us that all (or nearly all) of our problems would be solved if only women held themselves in higher regard. This is closely tied to the idea that women being “true to themselves” is a central virtue. According to our modern thought process women are innately good, so if they have the confidence to be true to themselves they will point men towards virtue. Instead of looking to God for our moral compass, women are to follow their hearts and men are to follow women. These ideas are contrary to the Bible, yet they have been widely adopted by modern Christians.

In Matt Walsh’s letter to his daughter, his greatest fear is that she will grow up to lack self esteem because our society will tell her she isn’t good enough:

“That’s why I wrote this letter. For the times when the pressures of the world – the constant, deafening din, screaming “you’re not pretty enough, you’re not good enough” – become a little too heavy to shoulder. Whether it’s 7 years from now, or 17, or 70 – whenever you need a reminder, here it is: You’re beautiful.”

Similarly, Glenn Stanton teaches parents that unlike their sons, their daughters will naturally develop virtue, so long as society doesn’t get in the way:

“What are the essential qualities that transform our daughters into mature, secure women? As you read through the qualities described below, please keep in mind that much of this is innate, but because our culture seems to fight so hard to suppress certain natural tendencies, it’s our privilege and responsibility as parents to watch out for opportunities to nurture and guide in these areas.”

Secure Daughters, Confident Sons: How Parents Guide Their Children into Authentic Masculinity and Femininity.

Christian women are of course hearing the message, as the blogger Keith at DruryWriting discovered when teaching college students about sin. In “Do Women sin?” he explains that while his students have no trouble identifying a list of sins men are tempted by, they are reliably stumped when he asks them to list sins women tend to be tempted by. After he sets only the women in the class to come up with a female sin, they eventually find one:

“Lack of self esteem.”

Part of the problem is that we have redefined women’s sins as virtue. A wife who smashes the couple’s wedding china in order to get her own way is now said to be “submitting” to her husband by throwing a godly tantrum. A wife with a frigid and incredibly unkind attitude towards her husband is said to be channeling God’s will through her vagina. Discontent is yet another newly minted virtue. Along with sins recast as virtues, there is also virtue recast as sin. The CBMW’s founding document created a new sin for wives which fits perfectly in our feminist age, the sin of servility.

Another part of the problem is that when women do sin, modern Christians simply pretend it isn’t happening. This is easiest to see with the game of make believe complementarians play whenever considering the question of women in the military. Women aren’t demanding to usurp men’s roles, they tell us, men are refusing to fight and thereby forcing women to stand in their place.

The Christian cult of women’s self esteem.

But denying the obvious isn’t enough. To truly follow the wisdom of the world Christians need to cast women’s self esteem as the highest virtue. In this regard there is a slight disagreement as to whether a woman lacking self esteem is in itself a sin (as the college women decided), or if a woman lacking self esteem is merely the root of women’s sins. But this is a minor disagreement that I will leave modern theologians to sort out. = What is widely agreed is that women need to be constantly told they are awesome. Pastor Matt Chandler explains the importance of telling Christian women they are awesome in his sermon A Beautiful Design (Part 3) Man’s Purpose*:

“When women go to women’s retreats, they just get encouraged. ‘You guys are awesome. You can do it! All right!’ Men get blown up. You go to a man thing. You’re just going to hear how much you’ve failed and how bad you stink and why the whole world is broken because you’re so worthless. That’s kind of how we do it, and it’s the right way to do it.”

Pastor Chandler explains that a father’s highest calling with his daughter is to make sure she has high self esteem, since a woman sinning is evidence of low self esteem, and high self esteem leads to virtue in women:

“We don’t neglect spiritual direction and sacrificial love because we provide. I say this all the time. I’m telling you, I did college ministry for 10-15 years before I became a pastor. I have met many a young women with BMWs and fashionable clothes who hated their Daddy and treated themselves cheaply because what they didn’t have is Daddy in their life. I have met many a young woman in just an old ghetto, beat-up, backfiring hooptie and just whatever Mom and Dad could afford to get her who had a glad confidence about her and a high expectation of how she was treated because Daddy would kiss her and crawl in bed with her and ask her about her heart and encourage her and cheer her on.”

Chandler explains to the women in the congregation that if they have enough self esteem, their natural virtue will serve as a beacon for men to follow. All women need to do is know they deserve better than the men who are around them, and men will learn to be godly:

“Single ladies, if you’re like, ‘Do you know what? I like the look of you, but the way you act, the way you carry yourself, the way you live your life, no thank you,’ that will send a brother off to maturation school. You can giggle all you want, but I’m telling you, ladies, you have a profound amount of power when it comes to an expectation of males being men. You put the bar on pre-pubescent ridiculousness, I promise you, you’ll find a herd of morons who will come trampling toward your door.

“But if you’ll put the bar up and go, ‘No, thank you. Get out of my face. No, I’m not signing up for that,’ if you raise your expectations, we raise the bar on what we expect out of men, I think by and large by the grace of God, they’ll rise to it. You keep it low; they’ll stay low. I promise you. I promise you sin has bent us in that direction. That’s why this is important for women, that you might encourage and that you might expect.”

In one sense he is right; men do respond to what women demonstrate by their actions that they want. There is also a certain twisted logic here that fits with the non biblical claim that women are naturally attracted to virtuous men. If a woman finds herself chasing after bad boys, she must not have the self confidence to go after the men she is really attracted to.

However, by pretending that women who chase bad boys merely lack enough self esteem to demand what they really want, Pastor Chandler is doing these women a terrible disservice. We know that left to follow their hearts, women will seek out badboys while telling themselves that the men they are selecting are really good men. By telling women that they are naturally virtuous and blaming their choice of men on men in general, we are all but driving them into the arms of the badboy. This is not only unloving to tempted women and good men, but unloving to the badboy himself. We are creating a stumbling block for the bad boy by sending our daughters out to follow their hearts and sending temptation directly in the path of every badboy out there.

————————-

Hollow Kids: Recapturing the Soul of a Generation Lost to the Self-Esteem Myth
Available at Amazon.

Psychologists have their say

“Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all …”

— Whitney Houston’s “The Greatest Love of All.

See “How the Self-Esteem Craze Took Over America – And why the hype was irresistible” by Jesse Singal at The Cut. It’s a pitiful story, showing our moral and intellectual gullibility. This is especially sad since the premise is false: “The Truth About Women and Self-Esteem” at Susan Nolen-Hoeksema at Psychology Today — “Women and girls do NOT have low self-esteem.”

This should be obvious, since girls are told since birth that they are wonderful, even awesome. They are beautiful, even if obese. Exceptional, even if average. I have talked to many men from Asia and Europe. They are often astonished at the incredible self-confidence, even narcissism, of American women (few find them to have low self-esteem).

That is unfortunate, since high self-esteem without a basis in reality has bad effects.  See Hollow Kids: Recapturing the Soul of a Generation Lost to the Self-Esteem Myth by Laura Smith and Charles Elliott. Elliott explains the effects of self-esteem:

“An empty balloon is useless. An overly full one is vulnerable to popping. A medium-full one is resilient as well as functional.”

Another perspective on this: there are many kinds of self-esteem. The easy to get kind (e.g., people telling you that you are wonderful for just breathing) can be dysfunctional. See “High Self-esteem Is Not Always What It’s Cracked Up To Be” at ScienceDaily.

Katy Perry in "Rise"

A harsh look at American women

“Oh, ye of so little faith
Don’t doubt it, don’t doubt it
Victory is in my veins
I know it, I know it
And I will not negotiate. …”

Katy Perry’s “Rise.”

The Problem With Women Is Too Much Self-Esteem
At Chateau Heartiste.
For adults only. Trigger warning for CH’s sexist and racist content.

“From the cradle, women are groomed by their peers, family, society and DNA-coded algorithms alike to embrace the joys of big-headedness. It used to be only beautiful women had this problem (and with at least a semblance of justification based on real value), but now ugly women, fat women, and lawyers are all riding the phony low self-esteem grievance chariot to the entitled princess winners’ circle. The result has been to produce a nation of broads hell-bent on seeing themselves as god’s gift to god himself. … Reader PA comments:

Gentle and friendly teasing is not intimidating, and creates a sort of rapport that makes one feel at ease.

“Exactly. This is true even with non-sexual interaction. Think the last time you saw a man who is good with kids. He will ‘neg’ the girl by saying stuff like: ‘hey! you’re cheating! no red crayon allowed!’ or whatever. Boys, on the other hand, don’t like to be negged. If you’re good with kids, you will build him up with stuff like ‘that’s really cool. Can you draw it bigger?’ etc.

“If you have young nieces and nephews, you will quickly recognize the truth in PA’s comment. Nieces respond positively – with glee, even – to prototype negs and teasing; the sort of banter that modern feminists would describe as demeaning. In contrast, little boys, with their fragile egos, wilt under negs and teasing, but respond well to compliments and encouragement. Mothers instinctively know this, as they will often reprimand the fathers for being too discouraging or too critical with their sons while giving the fathers a pass or a semi-serious chiding when they tease the daughters.

“The great irony here is that what makes good parenting is exactly the opposite of what feminists claim is the best way to raise boys and girls. Parents know, deep down, that to raise a good daughter you must keep her ego judiciously pruned, and to raise a good son you must suffuse his ego with promise.”

For More Information

Some useful studies, in addition to the ones in the articles cited above.

Ideas! For shopping ideas, see my recommended books and films at Amazon.

If you liked this post, like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. See all posts about women & society, and especially these…

  1. Misadventures of a young woman in modern America.
  2. The young women trampled by the Women’s March.
  3. The disastrous results of trying to “have it all”.
  4. The coming crash as men and women go their own way.
  5. Modern women say “follow the rules while we break them.”
  6. “Celebs Go Dating” shows young women in action.

Books rich with insights about modern women

Martin van Creveld has a history of successful prediction, perhaps the best record of anyone publishing today. His research and predictions about the relations between men and women are disturbing (as were his predictions about modern war, which we have proven correct in Afghanistan and Iraq).

The Privileged Sex.

Pussycats: Why the Rest Keeps Beating the West.

The Privileged Sex
Available at Amazon
Pussycats: Why the Rest Keeps Beating the West
Available at Amazon.

19 thoughts on “Women’s self-esteem: boosted to their self-destruction

    1. PAT,

      Yes. And I have posted the work of socialists and communists, such as Maximilian Forte and Black Agenda Report. And work by the far-right Proud Boys.

      Clutching pearls at heterodox thought is a barrier to finding solutions. We have to ruthlessly evaluate the utility of content, whatever the source. We are long past the point at which solutions will be found by the nice polite balanced people in the middle. We must search on the fringes for new ideas, new insights, and new solutions.

    2. Chateau Heartiste are certainly provocative in tone but they are thought leaders in the realm of relations between the sexes, and one of the few places on the internet willing to take a critical but informed look at female psychology.

    3. Mr. Generic,

      That’s true. Unfortunately the CH website also has extreme racist and misogynist messages. Useful to mine for insights, but a terrible guide. I feel sorry for the men who take it seriously, and sad for an America in which such beliefs flourish on the Left and Right.

    4. Worth pointing that there has been no rebuttal from PAT regarding the substance of Heartiste’s argument.

      Don’t hold your breath waiting for one.

  1. FabiusMaximus, I think that you have captured only part of the picture on American women with these articles. There is obviously a certain cultural imperative that America is engaging on to improve women’s self-esteem, and I think that your anecdotal evidence has some merit to it. But it strikes me as deeply incomplete.
    Your posts suggest you believe that women are vulnerable to ‘negging.’ Given that, and an understanding that American corporations are interested in profit over cultural mores, isn’t it likely that corporate media is engaged in a widespread attempt to maximize profit from women by such negative attacks on women? With most Americans watching and engaging in corporate media for staggering hours a day, I think its possible that America is engaged in both a mass scale attempt to make women feel bad to maximize consumption and also a ‘social good’ movement to help women feel good as a solution.
    It strikes me that the self-esteem solution is a misguided solution, akin to turning on the A/C to counter an overactive heater, when the real challenge is the hyper efficient capital extraction machine that is Western marketing strategies.
    Still, neither that solution nor your critique of it addresses the really significant challenge that is centralized marketings effect on a hugely diverse number of people. If you can maximize profit on 25% of the population at the expense of 2% feeling deeply terrible, that’s not too bad a return rate. Social justice groups interested in that 2% do a disservice to the society by claiming that all of social norms to date are the cause of their discontent instead of the very recent, very modern marketing/propaganda developments that are highly efficient on a very massive scale. But they are correct in noting the byproduct that is generated from our deeply confused consumer society. Prestor Jan

    1. John,

      (1) “I think that you have captured only part of the picture on American women with these articles.”

      Well, yes. I don’t believe a god could do that in a few thousand words. Books have been written about these things, in response to which reviewers give that same critique.

      (2) “Your posts suggest you believe that women are vulnerable to ‘negging’.”

      No. CH says exactly the opposite of that: “Nieces respond positively – with glee, even – to prototype negs and teasing.” They enjoy that kind of banter.

      (3) “isn’t it likely that corporate media is engaged in a widespread attempt to maximize profit from women by such negative attacks on women?”

      There are no large secret conspiracies in the corporate world. There are small-scale ones, usually revealed eventually (e.g., the wage-fixing cartel among tech companies).

      “your critique of it addresses the really significant challenge that is centralized marketings effect on a hugely diverse number of people.”

      Because I’m not discussing “centralized marketing.”

    2. Larry Kummer, I think that my critique has been misunderstood. As I understand, the purpose of this post is to demonstrate the broader spectrum of beliefs about the need for female self-esteem, and specifically, the way that has been used to justify changes in society in order to fulfill self-esteem.
      These views are interesting, but incomplete. Incompleteness is, as you rightly point out, part of the human condition. However, the incompleteness above is suggestive of a desire to ignore contrary evidence rather than incompleteness due to lack of time, energy, etc. There is a wealth of research about the negative effects of media and advertising on young women. There is also plenty of research that suggests that self-esteem is not a static thing but is variable dependent upon the circumstances of a persons life (within reason, of course). Given this, its worth exploring whether or not attempts to reduce women’s self-esteem exist in society and how widespread they are.
      Psychological research suggests that just watching “Thin Ideal” television can impair young women’s self-esteem. And the reality is that “thin ideal” is very profitable for all manner of companies. This isn’t a conspiracy any more than ‘natural flavorings’ in food is a conspiracy. People like it, by in large, and the consequences can be obscured because people are not monolithic, some are upset, many barely notice it.
      This research may be biased, it may be incorrect, but to ignore it suggests a flaw in the basic elements of these author’s point. To ask the question begging to be asked without it, so why are large numbers of organizations attempting to validate large numbers of young women? Why are pop musicians making this music? Some women, clearly, want such validation. Prestor Jan

    3. Jan,

      Did you read the post? I suggest you reply citing the text you disagree with, since your comments do not address specifics in this post — or ignore what the post says. Also, there is no point to me replying if you just ignore what I say.

      (1) “There is a wealth of research about the negative effects of media and advertising on young women.”

      Yes, the media has both positive and negative effects on human beings. Why would you believe otherwise? That research about negative effects on women is more prominent is just the way science works these days. But “the media” is not the subject of this post.

      (2) “There is also plenty of research that suggests that self-esteem is not a static thing but is variable dependent upon the circumstances of a persons life.”

      You mean like saying, as this post does, “Another perspective on this: there are many kinds of self-esteem. The easy to get kind (e.g., people telling you that you are wonderful for just breathing) can be dysfunctional. See ‘High Self-esteem Is Not Always What It’s Cracked Up To Be’ at ScienceDaily.”

      As for self-esteem being “variable” and “dependent” – that is the kind of thing to remind children. Too obvious to mention in content for adults.

      (3) “Psychological research suggests that just watching “Thin Ideal” television can impair young women’s self-esteem.”

      Given the fantastic growth in weight of American women, to the point of obesity – perhaps some of those watchers should have their self-esteem depressed, for the sake of their health. Just as the rising number of men weak in body and will (and overweight) should be shamed into changing.

      More broadly, women are doing great by most measures – and showing signs of increased and often excessive self-esteem. If you wish to believe they are crippled by low self-esteem, fine.

  2. Very good assemblage.
    And the Title: “…..boosted to their self destruction.” Is the really terrible part for too many women and the men they encounter or attempt to connect with. Deeply engrained and promoted to all our detriment.
    Snowflakes disappear quickly, human ones not so fast.

    Thx

  3. This post made me think of a former coworker. From her story, she grew up in a lower-class but intact family. She pursued badboys and had a kid at 18, and at 27, married a “nice guy” who treated her terribly and she divorced him 7 years later (no more kids).

    When I met her, she was at least 225 lbs (@ 5’2″ or so). Even so, she had an active social life, needing a speadsheet to keep all her info on her many men. She couldn’t understand why the guys didn’t stay.

    She later admitted that her so called “nice guy” husband was a 450 lbs, drug abusing pig (so, obviously, never a nice guy). She did claim she married him because he was the opposite of the bad boys she previously dated.

    She came into the office telling stories of her crazy drama. She was very promiscuous.

    Anyway, she had self-esteem to the heavens, but there was no way any halfway healthy and normal man would stay with her long term. She was only a booty call for the desperate, but viewed herself as Queen of the World. She claimed she would never marry again because no man was good enough.

    Oh, and she lived in her parent’s basement and changed jobs every 6 months……

  4. Meanwhile, BDSM, Fifty Shades of Grey, etc. becomes mainstream…
    Some days ago, my daughter (23 years old, nice, handsome, low maintenance and merry girl) told me: “You know, dad, what’s the best thing you did for me?” Myself: “Don’t know…when I let you study Ancient Greek at the University making no fuss about it?” Her: “No, when I was 15, I told you a lie, you got me and you gave me a big slap.” :)

    1. Robert,

      Great point! The massive success of “Fifty Shades of Grey” – books and films — was a clear signal to men. Too bad we’re not paying attention.

  5. The Romans used to say: “Naturam expellas furca, tamen usque recurret.” = “You can chase away human nature with a pitchfork, but sooner or later it’ll come back”

    1. Robert,

      How do you apply that to our situation?

      As I see it (guessing) – men and women are shaped by society. We have unleashed women, and now see their (to use a metaphor) their core programming. It is a surprise because we thought that the product produced by society was their underlying nature.

      Pursuit of alphas (including willingness to share an alpha rather than have a beta), promiscuity, short-time horizon (panic at the wall), preferring independence to marriage (hence high divorce rates), transitory nature of love — it is what they are like. This probably worked well for humanity when we were little more than African plains apes with aspirations.

    2. Well, in my humble opinion, I think this: too much freedom is dangerous and noxious for everybody, because only rarely the higher faculties of the soul can dominate and rein in the baser ones; but to much freedom is especially dangerous for women, because women have always been, and always will be, preys: and they like it very much (fundamental preys having always been land and women).
      When women loudly advertise their absolute freedom, the play very hard to get as preys, and put men in harsh competition to get them, escalating the conflict both among men and among women. But if the conflict does not come to an end, if it does not settle into long lasting peace – i.e, into marriage and family – the cycle of (psychological) violence never ends, inducing a general dissolution of primary bonds: love, respect, trust among wife and husband, among parents and sons.
      The amount of unhappiness involved in all this is staggering, especially for women, whose nature most pressing need is for significant personal, intimate relations (men can love ideas and tasks, women almost never can).
      To sum up: I think that now, women are drunk on the hybris of absolute freedom. Their hangovers are terrible, and the worse is yet to come.

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